The first, yet not the last, of the fleet to sink
An onslaught of relentless virtual thuggery (1) both publicly and privately that Mitcho LeGreat; often referred after this by the Dali Lama as “the Wounded Socialite” became a recluse. Wandering alone looking at snowdrops in his garden, muttering something about his “Jesus Moment being ruined by “Those Brutish Others”. The locals at this time simply referred to him as “the Galanthophile”. But this quiet only lasted a short while.
Scholars often refer to the events leading up to this gray period as “The Great Evisceration”
As in Relentless Thuggery, if you did not catch that from the first paragraph. And it was around this time, in early 2021, that Mitcho LeGreat (as told in the controversial biography written by the faculty of the then newly certified, History of Social Media Department at Yale in the year 2028, this being compiled from interviews Mitcho gave from the Community Room at a small rural mental health care institution. (Smith and Jones, 2023, pp. 31-49).
All things must pass, and snowdrops eventually pale and wither. Of course, there were other bulbs such as Narcissi and Hyacinths, but these are only temporary displays of God’s Good Grace. And so, after a very dark period of despair, which many scholars note, began after “The Great Evisceration” Mitcho turned to Piracy. Indeed, it was this cathartic event of public betrayal that pushed Mitcho into such an agitated stare that he was institutionalized. The Authors do wish to acknowledge here, that Mitcho may have been infected with Pirate’s COVEid21 a mutation manifesting in delusions of Piracy. “He was always a bit off”, his longtime companion noted years later; “So we really didn’t notice how serious the situation had become.”
Whatever the cause, always civil and charming, Mitcho easily escaped the low-risk security facility, the food was terrible there anyway, to embrace the life and code of famous Pirates from the past. “That Food Was Crap Anyway, Matey” became a catch-phrase to mean “This food is crap and not fit for my dog” or “I feel unsatisfied by my present situation”.
Mitcho LeGreat would indeed become he greatest, GREATEST, Modern Pirate of the New Age. We all know the sad chain of events that occurred after this, which happily ended when President Kamala Harris, in the year 2030, officially pardoned Mitcho for “Acts of Piracy.” (2)
Pirates were always something Mitcho had a fondness for, and he began to study them in depth. Not only did he watch the classic Pirate movies, but he even started to read real books… In fact, three of his most favorite Pirate books were and still are:
1: “Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition”
2. “She Captains, Heroines and Hellions of the Sea”.
3. “Pirate (The Unofficial Buccaneer’s Manual)”
All good reads. But, the sad truth of the matter is that Mitcho quickly discovered that real pirates are actually a nasty bunch of bloody buggers who swore profusely, and he did not want them near enough to spoil his fancy suits. Also, they were quite mean, and smelled like the bottom of the dumpster outside the liquor store on main street in Guerneville. Most Pirates are right on the edge of trustworthiness if you can believe that, as there really is no “Pirate’s Code of Honor”.
Once it became clear that Pirates were just a bit rough around the edges, what with their salty language and dirty linens, Mitcho began to recruit his own crew; and they turned out to be a trustworthy lot. The only rules were that one had to know at least four good pirate phrases with lots of swear words in them. And NO stabbing or killing or being mean. A fondness for rum was also needed. Especially good dark rum from Cuba (3). Or at the very least a fondness for Butter Rum Lifesavers if you are a kid. And a passion not just for Pirates but also for daggers, swords, matches and lighters as well as guns and other cool things that could potentially cut or explode thus harming oneself if not careful. Those things can get you into trouble, but they sure are fun.
It was also at that very same press conference, like from four or five paragraphs above, reading an official United States Government Document written on hemp, that President Harris proclaimed (officially) Mitcho to be the Greatest New Age Pirate.
Most historians and lovers of both Pirates and civility agree that Mitcho LeGreat is still considered by many, not only to be the greatest Pirate after the Post Covid Chaos which began in the year 02 PC if you must be specific, and maybe the second coolest only to Captain Jack Sparrow, but only slightly better than Long John Silver, but also, and a good person who eventually probably forgave his friends. (4) after a long sad, very sad, period of deep ennui. And Piracy. And guilt – especially my Catholic friends.
Mitcho eventually forgave them all, after recapturing his “Jesus Moment” long after his virtual crucifixion, and after living the life of a Pirate, Mitcho forgave anyway. After the virtual crucifixion, we mean. After Mitcho returned from the virtual dead he found some time to reflect and began to consider what it means to forgive (this was like a virtual rising maybe some three days later to two weeks later so it was easy and Covid safe) and it was at this time that he indeed had become a Gallanthophile. It was also at this point that he realized he had shamelessly opened all the toys he had bought for his great Nephews and Great Niece. And so he embraced a Pirate’s life, with a small pet dragon and a parrot at his side. THEN this sad story gets even more complicated after this. However, it does make some sense if you have been drinking a good dark rum or are on sedatives. Or even just water. Remember to hydrate.
Pirate’s COVEid21. Oh come on now, that is pretty good.
Some people eat with their mouths full,
And others yell loudly for fun.
Me, I’m a Pirate,
A Newwwww Age Pirate,
I like to swear and chew gum.
I knows some folks who dress fancy,
And looks nice when waiving a gun.
Me, I’m a Pirate,
A Newwwwww Age Pirate,
I just love hot buttered rum!
We are not fond of mean Pirates,
And violence and bloodshed we shun,
Me, I’m a Pirate,
A Newwwwwwwwwwwww Age Pirate,
I want to be the one to walk in the sun…
Hey now, hey now,
What’s the matter with you?
Oh Girls, they want to have fun now,
Girls they want to have fun.
(Traditionally one would clink mugs and guzzle soda or IZZEs at this point and shout out loud; “Yo, Ho…”)
After a serious bout with Pirate’s COVEid21 for which there is no cure, and must be allowed to run its course.
After that thing, Mitcho controlled a fleet of many ships during his life, and one posthumorously (5). Noteworthy among them were the Scarlet Fever, as well as the Pink Octopus and the Blue Dream. There was the Red Flag, as well as her twin sister ship ( the hauntingly beautiful and often described as “bitchen") Purple Reign as she was Christened in Christiandom (6).
Why do Pirate ships have such cool names, often with colors attached? We do not know, lost in history, but all three of these cool vessels (and several others) sailed or mostly plowed about via gas or electricity, under his command by loyal peeps in his Pirate Clan in the mid 2020’s.
By the way, dressing up like a Pirate is easy. And you can also use that same look for New Age Music Festivals, Steampunk Events, Ren Fairs, and Unabashed Tolkienesque Hobbitry. You can even make really cool Pirate pants by cutting your old long pants off up anywhere from just below the knee to the mid-thigh range, and then frill or triangulate it, just ask a responsible adult (7) first. See original text; “How to Dress Like a New Age Pirate” for illustrations.
The Authors do wish to acknowledge here, again, that Mitcho may have been infected with Pirate’s COVEid21 a mutation manifesting in delusions of Piracy. Technically, The Red Flag was the first solar-powered modern Zeppelin-Technology-Based Airship ever. However, she was lost at sea. Sank off of the Pacific North Western Coast. Who would have thought that, after all of that time and money, and massive planning, someone would build a flying Spanish Galleon that was not Sea-worthy or even water-proof. Nor did she float. It was assumed she would float. What if a Pirate Captain wanted to park her on some quiet placid lake, or on the Pacific North Western Coast, after a night of raids on the Pacific North Western Coast, or somewhere? Well???
The Scarlet Fever AS WE ALL KNOW, was the first solar-powered modern Zeppelinish-Technology-Based Airship that could also float, ever. Constructed of lightweight metal, wood and colorful fabrics, Mitcho used his growing Pirate’s Horde to have her made to resemble and function like a Spanish Galleon. But updated with a very smart kitchen design. AND she could float! Not only could she float, but she could fly. Except; “Girl, she didn't just float like a stupid balloon, she flew around like crazy!” It was and is still, magnificent. Such precision and grace, a real pleasure to see soaring high in the sky.
The Red Flag (AKA the Red FlaG***) is an unsubstantiated rumor of a ghost ship under the eternal command of Mitcho LeGreat who probably was the Greatest New Age Pirate ever and still Is. Sadly, the Red Flag sank on Her maiden voyage. Not long after that, the sightings began. The Red Flag has been seen to shine at night with the glow of the Celestial Symphony. Or really strong phosphorescent powders Mitcho had ordered online years ago. But oh man, she sure does glow gloriously in the dark - Ghost Ship or not. And the interior is a smashing fusion of Swanky Vegas Jazz Lounge and Spanish Bordello, all done up in red and silver and black, with a smart nod to Post-Modern Mission Styles. Whispers in town around the rather large selection of salad greens at our local market often would lead one to the conclusion that the Red Flag was in actuality the first Scarlet Fever after she was lost (8). Whatever the facts, if she ever rolls up on you, act fast and jump on as the saying goes; “Get in Fast Girl, as the Oysters are Fresh and the Gin is ICY COLD on the Red Flag…..
Other famous ships associated with the Fleet EniMaritimus of Mitcho LeGreat would include the Black Pearl as controlled by Barros the Brazen until he breached her on the shores of The Shamanastary where she remains today, un-useable and in the way.
There is also Brenda; The Laguna Queen” A big white bus (that could time travel -BTW- but only to Grateful Dead concerts thru-out history) which was often under the command of Captain Puna Lu’u the youngest brother of Barros the Brazen, often referred to as the “Sweet Hawaiian.” Piracy ran in the family.
Even his great nephews, the notorious Russel Brothers, would often captain his ships for him when they behaved (which is hard for young pirates) and also, if and when their Mother would let them…which she often did during the off season of the Rodeo Circuit as Piracy ran in the family. Why, even their Grandmother (Captain Nene AKA The Terror of Georgetown) years later confessed to stealing a book on Piracy Mitcho had sent to his niece Elizabeth Ann (their mother, her daughter) when she was a young lady. Maybe Nene just “kept” it safe all those years, or she “found” it years later as she claimed. Again, Piracy ran in the family.
Pirate’s COVEid21. Oh come on now, that is pretty good.
1. Relentless Thuggery, if you did not catch that, was mentioned by scholars at least twelve times in the unedited version of above transcripts.
2. “Alleged and/or Provable.”
4. The High Council requested of Mitcho that he edit out any personal names or specific references to others, but did allow him the grace to continue to refer to them as “Heartless”.
5. Hence the name; Mitcho LeGreat
6. Whatever that means and where-ever that is, but it must be stated. Spanish Galleon equals Catholic Fabulousness. Catholics have things, like that last statement, that must be stated. I like Catholics, and they make fine Pirates indeed, and I just love the way they decorated back then, very opulent, yet churchy. Are not these footnotes AMAZING?
7. just ask a responsible adult, Ha Ha Ha! SO, First you have to locate a responsible adult. That’s like telling you to go find a Unicorn with wings. Then you need good sharp scissors.
8. There are at least four good versions of what actually became of the first Scarlet Fever, and the alternative truth is most unclear. Right? We do not have time here for this anyway. Also be aware that Justin Bieber plays the lead role of Mitcho in the off-Broadway version which is #3 in terms of what happened to the Scarlet Fever AKA the Red Flag.
9. A Buccaneer is still a Pirate, no matter what they themselves claim, or what the ruthless Henry Morgan seems to think, nor the Queen herself, says. They are basically just Pirates like the rest of us. While there are many New Age Pirates, there a NO New Age Buccannes as they are called Privateers or “For Profit Healthcare Corporations”.
It was due to his previous good relations and intimate "friendships" with several young Mermen from the most Northern Tribe of the Pacific Merfolk, that Mitcho LeGreat not only was spared from drowning off of the coast of the Pacific North Western Coast, but he got to go to a very cool underwater rave shortly after the Red Flag sank.
Anacapa spared no expense in fixing up the Red Flag so it was powered by the Sea, glowed at night and could fly. And float. They tricked the heck out of her. And they even stocked the wet bar with premium Rums and mixers from around the globe.
Mitcho had long worked with several of the sons of Anacapa who apprenticed with him during his many years teaching potions and plant medicine at Grendel Gravenstein’s School for Witches and Wizards. It was the Grand Californian Mer-Chief Anacapa who suggested to Grendel Gravenstein that Mitcho replace him as head master, and finally put this Piracy nonsense to rest.
Besides, they tolerated his predilection towards intense but short-lived love affairs with the most handsome of the tribe’s young mermen who also happened to be the sons of the Grand Mer-Chief. Mostly because the underwater antics of Mitcho LeGreat amused His Highness Anacapa tremendously, but he wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible....
DID YOU KNOW...dressing up like a Pirate is easy. And you can also use that same look for New Age Music Festivals, Steampunk Events, Ren Fairs, and Unabashed Tolkienesque Hobbitry. You can even make really cool Pirate pants by cutting your old long pants off up anywhere from just below the knee to the mid-thigh range, and then frill or triangulate it, just ask a responsible adult (7) first. See original text; “How to Dress Like a New Age Pirate” for illustrations.
The Adventures of First Mate Moana
In this epic retelling of the Rise and Fall of the New Age Pirates, we join young first mate Moana as she sails the open seas on board the Flying Squirrel, under the command of Kaptain Kelsey.
Disney of course, sugarcoated many of the facts, including changing the name of Kaptain Kelsey’s vessel the Pink Clam to the Flying Squirrel, omitting several graphic and violent encounters with Rats but they did leave in the tennis ball cannons and the epic segment of the kidnapping of on Groundhog Day.
However, in this beautifully portrayal of New Age Pirates, Disney returns to their old school animated style featuring lush watercolor backgrounds and tropical settings galore. In a Disney first, the arch villain Captain Mitcho LeGreat will be the first openly gay and fabulously dressed Disney Villain (openly gay we mean).
An excerpt from the full-length animated movie adaptation by Disney version #1:
Mitcho; “Let us find a sea worthy craft to steal and become New Age Pirates!”
“Finally!” Woofed Kelsey Lindsay Lohan Sebastopol
Small and black and fast, running in circles was Moana Moeesha MoDerrick Sebastopol; “YAY!!! Let’s go Let’s go Let’s go….Hey, what is a Pirate?”
Monet, after a moment of silence, most quietly mentioned; “There are some Pirates, I am told, that commandeer very nice high end luxury yachts instead of nasty cold and rickety and uncomfortable Spanish Galleon type ships And they have high end kitchens with food too.”
“Arrrh” Mitcho Yelled; Them nice fancy ships be swank, but they do not have rats to kill. Now, a good Spanish galleon has rats me boy. Lots and lots of rats!”
Monet de Assassins then shouted, ears erect and alert; “Count me in!”
And thus the beginnings of what would become a crew of Noble New Age Pirates began. Many notable New Age Pirates soon joined in exept that cute brazillian man dressed like Captain Morgan. Gosh, About the time I lost Captain Morgan’s Phone Number and Eric had never forgiven me and I still feel bad..
Yes or No; Have you a fancy hat and do you like to wear it? If you answered NO; Are you willing to wear a fancy hat?
Yes or No; Do you HATE companies that manufacture “sour candies” yet the candies are not sour in the least and are really a disappointing rip-off. Do you HATE them?
How many swear words do you know?
Of these, how many will offend your Mother?
Please rank in order of importance. 1 being of most importance:
· Correct Spelling and Proper Punctuation
· Clean underpants
· Fancy Hats
· Plankton (the guy on Sponge Bob, not the tiny microscopic ones)
· CHOOSING to LOVE INSTEAD of to HATE*
· Even BIGGER Fancy Hats with feathers and cool stuff on them
· Sailing out on the open Sea or possibly in the Sky, with the wind at yer back and a gang of cool pirates wearing big hats at yer side. No cares in the world. No rules nor nuthin except good will toward humanity, a love of this good Earth, and an ounce of basic common sense so you don’t falloverboard and drown. ARRRRGH! ARRRRGH!
What are your feelings on chewing gum and swearing?
Be honest. Write a short essay (less than 100 words please) correct spelling and proper punctuation is not important here.
*Unless it is in reaction to sour candies that are not sour
Sign in BLOOD (or red sharpie) HERE